Only Human
by MoneButterfly
Summary: Ashley Seaver's life changes dramatically one night, when she gets raped on her way home from work. The story is written through the eyes of the whole team.
1. Aaron Hotchner

Only Human

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><p>Summary: Ashley Seaver's life changes dramatically one night, when she gets raped on her way home from work. The story is written through the eyes of the whole team.<p>

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><p>AN – For this story, Seaver has been on the team for about a year. "Lauren" and the Emily story-line never happened. No pairing, only friendship.

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><p>Aaron Hotchner<p>

You are about to leave the office to go pick up your son from his aunt's when the call from the hospital comes in and every thought you had about him disappears. A Dr. Ryan Michaels is asking you to come, because a couple of hours earlier a young blond woman had been brought in. There had not been an ID in her purse, but in one of the side pockets they had found one of your business cards. They want you to ID her; they hope that you can ID her so her family can be notified. As you drive to the hospital, you keep going over in your head, wondering who the woman could be, but you can't remember giving your business card to anyone, not even a date. You park the car and walk quickly to the nurses' station and ask for Dr. Michaels. Luckily you only have to wait a moment for him to approach you. He shows you to the young woman's room and walks in with you. He pulls the curtain to the side and that is when you see that you know the girl.

The blond woman in the hospital bed is Ashley Seaver. She lies on her back with her eyes closed. She is asleep which gives you a chance to really look at her. You don't know what you had expected when you got the call, but this wasn't it. She has bruises around her wrists and throat and you are sure that there are more hidden under the covers.

"What happened to her?" you ask looking at the doctor as you walk out of the room.

"You know her?"

"I'm her boss," you say. "Her name is Ashley Seaver. She works for the FBI."

Dr. Michaels nods. "Do you know how to contact her family?"

You know Seaver hasn't talked with her mother or brother in a long time and that she probably doesn't want them to come. She doesn't really have anyone. You and the team are her only family. You clear your throat. "We are the only family she has gotten – the team and I." Dr. Michaels nods again slowly. "Please tell me what happened to her."

"I can only tell you about the physical things, because she hasn't said anything herself."

You swallow hard and look towards her room. "She was raped, wasn't she?"

"Yes she was and I would say she was lucky, because she has got nothing other than a few bruises, but…" he shrugs his shoulders, "That will never make her feel lucky."

"Has she talked with the police yet?"

"Yes, they came and talked with her when she was still in the ER. They took the rape kit with them and are having it processed."

"Okay, thank you," you say to Dr. Michaels and walk back to the door. You look through the small window and can see that she is now awake. You stare at her in an unsure manner. It's not the first time you have ever dealt with someone who's been raped. You have actually done it many times before on the job, but it's the first time that you have to deal with it happening to someone that you know.

"Seaver," you say her name softly so as not to startle her as you enter the room. She is sitting up in the bed now, but she isn't looking at you and you feel at a loss for words. She looks like a mess. Her hair is covering her face, but you can still see the tears running down her cheeks. "Ashley," you try her first name. It sounds right under the circumstances and that gets her attention. For a moment her eyes shift your way. She glances at you with a shameful look then she pulls her legs to her chest and hides her face. You sit down on the side of the bed and just keep looking at her in silence. You don't know what to do or what would be right to say. This isn't like when you are working on a case. The things you say then just don't seem right now.

You are just about to ask her if she needs anything when you hear her mumble something. "I'm sorry, what?" you ask hoping you don't sound rude.

"I didn't get a good look at him," she says a bit louder now and you know straight away what she is talking about. "He came up behind me as I was about to get out of my car. He had a mask on, so I couldn't see his face." She sniffles loudly and quickly wipes a few tears off her cheeks with both hands before hiding her face in her knees again. "He didn't wear gloves so he might have left some fingerprints in my car and I scratched him so there could be DNA under my fingernails, but… there… there wasn't any in me." She says  
>the last part in a whisper and wraps her arms tightly around her legs and presses her head further down to her knees, so her hair hides her face completely.<p>

You feel uncomfortable. You doubt you would be the person she chose to tell this to if she had a choice. She would probably have liked it better, if it was Emily sitting there on her bedside instead of you.

She starts crying more now and sobs are shaking her through her body. You place a hand on her shoulder in attempt to comfort her. You expect her to shove you away or scream at you for touching her, instead she leans into your touch. You rub her shoulder gently for a moment then move it down to her back. "It's okay," you assure her when she flinches. You know it isn't 'okay', but you can't think of anything else to say. You sit there rubbing her back like this for a long time just waiting for her sobs to die out.

"Do you want me to call someone for you?" you ask her.

She lifts her head from her knees and looks at you for the first time since you came into the room. "I just want to go home," she says with a sniffle and more tears run down her cheeks. "Did the doctor say when I can leave?"

"No, but I also think it's best if you stay here a little longer." You lay a hand on her knee.

"I WANNA GO HOME NOW!" She smacks your hand away and then appears as shocked by her sudden outburst as you feel. She moves away from you and runs her fingers through her hair. It's like she is hiding from you, but then she looks directly at you, breathing heavily. Then in a matter of seconds her face changes from angry to sad and it's a struggle for her to hold back the tears that is filling up her eyes again. "I'm sorry," she mumbles, wrapping her arms tightly around her knees and hides her face. "Will you ask the doctor when I can go home? Please?"

You nod even though you know she can't see it and get up from the bed. When you come out of the room you look for Dr. Michaels. You didn't expect him to still be there. "She wants to know, when she can leave," you say as you walk up to him.

"There is no medical reason for her to stay, but I would like to keep her here overnight unless you know someone she can stay with," he says and you know he is hoping that you will take her. And you would – she is a part of the team, a part of your family – but you know that would make her feel really uncomfortable staying with you, not only because you're her boss, but because you're a man.

"I'll figure something out," you say and walk back into the room. A part of you hopes that Ashley has fallen asleep while you were out, giving you a little more time to figure out what to do. But she isn't lying down on the bed sleeping, no she sitting in the same position, with her head buried in her knees, as she did when you left.

"What did he say?" she asks you without lifting her head.

You sit down in the same spot on the bed as before. "He said you can go home tonight," her head snaps up and she stares at you with a hopeful expression, "if you stay with someone." The hopeful look on her face changes to fear. You knew she would react like that, so you quickly clarify that you do not mean yourself. "Do you want me to call and ask Emily or Garcia if you can stay with one of them?"

"Emily. You can call Emily. I don't want Garcia to know what happened," she sighs, "at least not yet."

"Okay." You lift your hand making sure that she sees it and then lays it on her shoulder. "I will go call her now," you say rubbing her shoulder a few times and then you leave the room again.


	2. All I Could Not Mention

Only Human

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><p>All I Could Not Mention<p>

Ashley watches Hotch walk out of the room to call Emily. She can't decide whether or not she wants him to come back. One part of her wants him to stay out and never come back. She doesn't want him to see her like this. She just wants to be alone. But the other part of her wants Hotch to come back in her room. She wants him to hold her in his arms and protect her against everything out there, protect her against the man who did this to her.

Ashley lies down on her side facing the door, so she is able to watch who enters her room. She is tired and can feel her eyes getting heavy, but she is afraid to close them. Afraid of what she might see, when sleep takes over.

When Hotch reenters Ashley's room he sees that she is sleeping, but when he closes the door her eyes snaps open and she quickly sits up. "Is she coming?" Ashley asks.

"Emily will be here soon," he says looking down and then back up at her. "Why didn't you tell the police your name?"

"I… I have you written down as my emergency contact, but didn't want them to call you. I didn't want you to know what happened to me," she says as Hotch sits down on the side of the bed. She moves away from him, so he won't be able to touch her without her seeing his hand coming.

"I'm not going to hurt you or even touch you if you don't want me to."

She knows that. She knows he will never hurt her like the masked man had. Hotch is one of the good guys, one you can trust and count on. "Sorry," she says, "I just don't… I don't know what I'm feeling and I'm so tired." Tears start falling down her cheeks once again. "And I'm crying all the time. I'm not like that! This isn't me!" she says with a deep sigh.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Ashley crosses her legs under herself and looks away from Hotch. She doesn't know how to tell him that she was so paralyzed with fear that she didn't fight back. That she had just laid in the backseat of her car while the man had raped her. "I can't," Ashley says wrapping her arms around herself as she starts sobbing. Rocking back and forth she presses her eyes tightly together to keep tears from falling, but behind her eyelids pictures of her attack flashes in her mind and with a gasp she opens her eyes again.

She is beginning to panic and Hotch doesn't know what to do. He wants to touch her, maybe rub her back to calm her down, but he's afraid it might upset her even more. But then she does something totally unexpected. She leans against his side and cries into his shoulder. Hesitatingly he lays an arm around and is surprised when she cuddles into him, but so is she and when she has realized what she has just done, she quickly moves away from him again. "How will Emily find us?"

"We will go down and meet her."

"When?"

Hotch looks at his watch. "We can do it now," he says getting of the bed. "Do you have some other clothes to change into?"

Ashley looks down at the hospital pajamas one of the nurses gave to her, so she didn't have to wear a gown. "They took away my clothes. It's evidence now," she says pulling the sleeves down over her hands as she crawls out of the bed. When her feet hit the floor she almost falls to the ground and she has to hold on to the side of the bed to stay up. Her legs are shaking so violently that she almost can't stand on her own.

"Is it okay if I put my arm around you while we walk or should I get a wheelchair?" Hotch asks.

Ashley sighs and grabs her bag of the bedside table. "I don't want a wheelchair," she says swinging her bag over her shoulder and looks at the floor.

"Okay." He knows she doesn't really want him to touch her, but apparently she wants the wheelchair even less. "Come on," he says laying his arm around her and then they walked slowly out of the room.


	3. Emily Prentiss

Only Human

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><p>Emily Prentiss<p>

You are in the best part of the dream when your phone starts to ring. It startles you awake and you quickly get off the couch and dig the phone out of your bag thinking it's Hotch calling about a new case when you see his name on the front screen. "Prentiss," you say and you know you sound tired. You look at you wrist watch and see that it's 10pm. You have only been asleep for about 30 minutes.

"It's Hotch. I'm calling because something has happened to Seaver. She is in the hospital and wants to leave, but she needs to stay with someone."

Suddenly you are not sleepy anymore. "What happened to her?"

"Can she stay with you?" she asks.

"Of course," you say and can feel how the hair in the back of your neck stands up, when you realize that Hotch didn't answer your question. "Hotch, what happened to her?"

"She was raped." You almost drop the phone in shock and you don't know what to say. "Emily, are you still there? Are to coming?"

You snap out of it. "Yeah I'm on my way." You hang up and quickly put your shoes and jacket on before grabbing your keys, leaving your apartment. You lock the door and run to the elevator. It's taking too long for it to get there so you take the stairs. You run quickly and almost stumble a few times, but you catch yourself and just run quicker. When you get to your car you have trouble opening it, because your hands are shaking. After four tries you finally get it open and you get in and drive to the hospital in record time.

When you walk through the front doors of the hospital you remember that you don't know where to go. Hotch didn't tell you where to find them and you almost start to panic, but then the elevator doors opens and Hotch and Ashley step out. You gasp when you see her and even though you try not to stare, you can't get your eyes of Ashley. Hotch has an arm wrapped around her as to keep her from falling down. You can't see her face, because she is looking down, making her hair fall in her face. You walk over to them and are just about to lay your hand on her arm, but she moves roughly to the side and into Hotch.

"I'm sorry," you say and take a step away from her. Your apology makes her look up at you and you have to try hard not to let the shock show on your face. Ashley looks so fragile and helpless.

"It's okay," she whispers as she reaches her hand out for yours. You take it and hold it tightly. The small comfort you are trying to give is enough for her to move from Hotch's side to yours and you start walking back to your car. Hotch keeps his arm around Ashley as they walk, because her legs are shaking so much that it's hard for her to walk right.

This time you unlock your car without any problems and you get in behind the wheel, while Hotch helps Ashley into the passenger seat. He says goodbye to you and stands in the spot where your car just was and watches you drive away with Ashley. She sits silently beside you with her forehead against the window. You don't know if she is sleeping or looking out, because her hair hides her face again. She sits like that during the whole drive back to your apartment. Even when you park the car she doesn't move, so you get out and walk to the other side to help her. Through the window you can see that her eyes are closed. You hate that you have to wake her, but you can't just leave her in there, so you gently knock on the window trying not to startle her. She doesn't react, so you knock a little harder, but it was too hard. Ashley flinches away from the window and looks back at you with scared eyes.

"I'm sorry," you say as she opens the door and steps out. Her legs aren't shaking anymore, but you still lay an arm around her like Hotch had and when she doesn't move away from your touch, you pull her a little closer.

You walk into your apartment with Ashley close behind. She had moved away from you when you stepped into the fully lit elevator. You knew she did it so you wouldn't be able to get a good look at her, and she had stayed behind you since.

"Do you want something to drink?" you ask her as you open the refrigerator.

"No thanks." She lets her bag drop to the floor and then pulls her sleeves down over her hands and wraps her arms around herself. "I would really like to take a shower," she says looking down. "I didn't get to take one at the hospital and I would also really like to borrow some clothes, so I don't have to wear this."

You look at her and notice for the first time what she is wearing – blue and white hospital pajamas and a black jacket that is way too big for her. You are guessing that the jacket is Hotch's. You close the refrigerator door and are just about to show her to the bathroom, when you remember that she already knows where it is. This isn't the first time she's at your apartment; she has actually been here many times before. "Of course, if you just go into the bathroom, I will find a towel and some clothes for you."

She nods while taking of the jacket laying it on the kitchen counter and walks slowly down the hall. You watch her as she walks away before going over to the closet, grabbing a few towels for her. You pick the light pink and yellow ones, because you know she likes them. She says they are happy looking. You don't see it yourself, but if she thinks so then that's how it is. These towels are happy and she needs happy right now.

You close the closet door and walk to your bedroom and over to your dresser. You wish Ashley had left some clothes here, just like JJ and Garcia, so you could give her some of her own things. You know it would be more comfortable for her to wear her own clothes, especially now. You find the PJ pants and tank top that she borrowed the last time she stayed at your place. It had been when her apartment had gotten flooded in the middle of the night. She had called and asked if she could stay with you. She had stayed with you for a week and you have actually had a nice time together.

You lay the towels and clothes on top of the dresser and then open the bottom drawer. You pull out a big hoodie that you think she would like to wear, because it will hide her body. You also grab a pair of panties and some socks. You lay it on the pile while closing the drawer with your foot and then you walk out your bedroom and down the hall to the bathroom. The water is running but you can still hear her crying through the door. "Ashley, are you okay?"

There is no answer, so you open the door and lay the pile of clothes on the toilet and the towels on the sink. "If you don't answer, I'm going to pull the shower curtain to the side," you warn her and go to stand before it, so she will be able to see you are there, but she doesn't answer. Feeling like you have no choice, you slowly push the curtain to the side, just like you said you would. The sight before you makes your heart shatter into a million pieces. She's sitting on the shower floor with her leg pressed to her chest under the steaming hot water, rubbing every part of her body raw.

"I can feel him everywhere," she sobs, squeezing her eyes shut. "I can't get the feeling off!" She begins to scrub her arms harder with the washcloth making them even redder.

It only takes you a moment to decide what to do next. You kneel down beside her and the scalding water soaks through your clothes. It hurts and you can't understand how she has been able to sit under it for so long. "Let me help," you say unfolding her arms and easing the washcloth from her grip. You slowly wash every part of her body, but it's like she doesn't notice you are doing it. She just sits there staring right ahead as sobs rack her body violently.

It's hard for you not to stare at the bruises that cover her body. Earlier you had only been able to see the ones on her throat and wrists, but now you can see the dark blue bruises that also cover her upper thighs. You can almost picture how the man must have held Ashley down while he raped her. You try to shake the image out of your head as you move the washcloth down her back and rub circles on it hoping to smooth her sobs. She closes her eyes again and leans her head against your shoulder taking a tight grip to your shirt like she's afraid you're going to abandon her as soon as she lets go and mumbles, "Don't leave me." Her voice is shaking and you feel completely lost.

"I won't, I promise," you say as you turn off the scalding water and try to get up. It's a struggle for you to get to your feet with Ashley clinging to your chest and her legs don't seem to want to support her. You slowly walk with her to the sink where you unfold one of the towels and wrap it around her as good as you can, because she won't let go of you. You push the clothes off the toilet to the floor and then sit down on it with Ashley in your lap. She cuddles into your side and wraps the towel tightly around herself. It feels almost like you're taking care of a little kid. She's still crying softly so you rub her back through the towel and just sit there with her for a couple of minutes.

"We should get dressed now," you say leaning down and picking up the clothes for her, because she may be wrapped in a warm towel, but your clothes are soaked and you're freezing. She nods and gets up from your lap hesitantly.

You know she doesn't want you to see her while she changes, but at the same time she doesn't want you to leave, so instead of waiting for her to decide what she wants, than you do it for her. "If you change in to this here," you get up from the toilet and lay the clothes on it again, "then I will go find some dry clothes for myself," you say with a small smile while wrapping the other towel around yourself. "Is that okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine," she says turning her back to you, looking down at the floor. You nod and walk out of the bathroom to your room. You try to quickly change out of your wet clothes, but it's sticking to your body making it harder for you to get it off. As you put on the oversized t-shirt you hear the bathroom door open and 10 seconds later Ashley is standing in the doorway to your bedroom. Her hair hangs wet down her back socking the backside of the hoodie that she almost disappears in.

"You can come in," you say and she walks in without looking at you and lies down under the covers on the left side on the bed. She lies so she will have her back to you. You sigh and lay down beside her, moving as close to her as you can.

"What are you doing?" she asks turn around hesitantly.

"You asked me not to leave you," you answer taking her hand in yours, "but if you want me to move…"

"Don't move." The words come out a little too quickly and she looks terrified that you might leave anyway.

"I'm not going to," You insure her and then envelop her protectively in your arms as she cuddles up to you holding a tight grip on your shirt like in the shower. You can hear her breaths beginning to even out and you know she has fallen asleep, but you can't seem to do the same, because every time you try to find a more comfortable way to lie with her, she tenses up and her grip on you tightens. At least she is so deep in sleep that you can move a little away from her, so she is resting her head under your chin. You close your eyes and hope for a few hours of sleep, before her nightmares are going to come, because you know they are coming


	4. When It's Cold

Only Human

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><p>When It's Cold<p>

When Ashley wakes, it is still quite early. There is not much light in the room and she guesses that it's not more than six in the morning. She is tired and should really just go back to sleep, but suddenly she can't stand being this near to Emily. Ashley carefully crawls out of Emily's embrace. She had been lying in her arms all night with a tight grip on her shirt. She remembers how scared she had gotten every time Emily had just moved a bit. She was afraid she was going to leave her and now she was the one leave.

Ashley opens the bedroom door and walks down the hall without making a sound. She grabs her bag and leaves Emily's apartment without so much as leaving a note for her. It all reminds her of a bad one-night stand. It isn't till she is out on the street that she remembers what she is wearing. The navy blue PJ pants is thin and she can feel the cold air flying through them, but luckily they don't look like PJs all that much and the hoodie is quite warm. She wraps her arms around herself and starts walking, hoping to find a cab quickly.

Ashley is almost half way home when a cab finally stops for her. She opens the backseat door, but she can't make herself get in. Pictures of what happened the night before flashes before her eyes. She slams the door close and starts running as fast as she can, hoping to run away from the panic and fear that is about to darken her world again.

Ashley doesn't stop running till she reaches her apartment building. She quickly walks up stairs to the fifth floor, not bothering to wait for the elevator. She is out of breath when she finally reaches her apartment and she has trouble opening the door, because tears, she hasn't even noticed are falling, keep blurring her vision making her miss the keyhole. After ten missed tries she sinks to the floor sobbing into her hands.

"Miss Seaver, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," she says wiping the tears off her cheeks with the back of her hands and then she slowly turns around. Her next door neighbor's grandson is standing behind her with a worried expression on his face. Ashley thinks she remembers Mrs. Nichols telling her that his name is Andy and that he is 8 years old. "What are you doing out here in the hall so early?"

"I was getting the paper for my grandma, but then I saw you sitting here crying." He lays his arms around her in a sideway hug, if this had been any other day, the Ashley would have thought it was cute, but right now she just wanted to push him away.

"Please, please let go of me right now. I need to get into my apartment."

Andy steps away from her and watches her confusedly as she fumbles with her keys. "Let me help you," he says taking the keys from her hands and unlocking the door.

"Thank you," she quickly says taking the keys back and hurries inside slamming the door closed after her. She sighs a sigh of relief and walks through her small apartment to the bathroom. She drops her bag on the toilet and turns on the water tap watching as the bathtub fills. When the bathtub is filled with water she turns it off and removes her clothes. As she sinks down in the scalding water she avoids the mirror. The water hurts her body and it takes everything in her not to jump out of the tub again. She breathes in deeply and slides completely under the water.

Ashley stays under the water for as long as she can and even when air is becoming necessary she doesn't want to come up to surfaces. She just wants to stay down there where nothing happens and nothing hurts. But when her lungs are completely empty of air she can't stay down under the water any longer. Her body jolts up right and she starts coughing violently. It hurts, but in a different way than the water hurt or the bruises on her thighs. She runs her hands along them and flinches when she presses down on the dark blue bruises. She wishes they would just go away. She sighs. At least the other ones don't hurt and she wouldn't even know they were there if it wasn't for their ugly blue/black color. She will have to wear turtleneck blouses for the next many days at work. Ashley shivers at the thought of having to go back to work and having the others see her like this. Maybe she can just stay at home till the bruises have faded away. Ashley shakes her head; she knows it will take them weeks to disappear.

Ashley gets up from the tub and wraps a towel around her body. She avoids the mirror again as she walked out of the bathroom with Emily's hoodie in her arms and down the hall to her bedroom. As she passes the small table with her home phone on she sees that the red button is blinking, telling her that she has a missed call and that there now is a message for her. She presses the button.

"You have four new messages."

"Ashley, why did you just leave? If you had just woken me up, then I would have driven you home. Well when you do get home, will you then please call me?" the message ends and Emily's voice disappears, but only for a moment.

"Why haven't you called me back yet? It's over an hour since I last called you, so you should be home by now, even if you walked. Please call me." The machine beeps and the next message begins.

"Ashley, pick up the phone! I have called you ten times now. Why aren't you picking up? I'm getting really worried, so if you don't answer the next time I call then I'm going to call Hotch." Ashley sighs. She hadn't even noticed that the phone had been ringing while she was in the bathroom.

"Seaver, Prentiss just called me; she is worried about you because you aren't answering your phone. If you haven't called back by 10:30 am then Emily or I will come to your apartment."

It's now a little after 10 which probably means that the call from Hotch had come in not long before she had gotten out of the shower. "Why don't they just leave me alone," Ashley mumbles to herself as she presses Hotch's number into her phone.

"Hotchner."

"Tell Emily I got home fine on my own and that I didn't answer her calls, because I was in the shower and couldn't hear the phone ringing."

"Seaver…"

"I'm fine! You don't have to worry about me."

She can hear Hotch sighing, before he says, "You should take some time off from work. I think that would be best for you."

"Okay, but what are you going to tell the other when I don't show up for work?"

"I don't want to lie to them, but if you don't want me to tell them the truth, then I won't."

"You can tell them."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," Ashley says and hangs up the phone without saying goodbye. Now she just wants to put on comfortable pants, Emily's oversized hoodie and then crawl under her covers and stay in bed for the rest of the day.


	5. Penelope Garcia

Only Human

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><p>Penelope Garcia<p>

You know when you first see Ashley walk through the glass doors that it is too early for her to be back. That she should have taken more time off, but according to Hotch she passed her psych evaluation, so there was nothing he could do to keep her home longer. Ashley is dressed in jeans and a big hoodie – not very work like and it makes her look small. You can see the bruise on her throat that Hotch had told you about, but you can't see the ones on her wrist, because she has pulled the sleeves down over her hands. You shiver when you think back on the moment Hotch told you what had happened. Morgan had gotten mad. Dave and Reid had looked shocked at Hotch, while you had covered your face in your hands and started crying. Emily had also found it difficult to hold back her tears even though what Hotch had revealed wasn't new to her.

Ashley walks quietly to her desk and you notice that all of you are looking at her. "It's good to have you back," Morgan says with a smile. Ashley smiles back at him as she puts her bag under her desk and sits down, but where Morgan's smile was genuine, hers is stiff and doesn't reach her eyes. It makes you want to hug her, but you know better. You know it will freak her out.

"So we got a case?" she asks moving her hair behind her ears and you can now see the bruises on her throat much clearer.

"Yeah, we are meeting in the conference room in 5 minutes, but-" Emily doesn't get to say anymore, because Ashley get's up with another fake smile on her lips. "Good, then let's go," she says and walks away. You sigh. You know that Emily had been about to tell Ashley that Hotch didn't want her on this case.

While the others gather their things you walk to the conference room by yourself. You have already brought everything you need up there, so you don't have to stop by your office. When you reach the conference room you notice that the door is open and you can see Ashley sitting on one of the chairs with her legs pulled to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. You can't see her face, because it is hidden behind her hair, but you know she is crying. Her shoulders are shaking and you don't know what to do, but then you hear the others coming. You know Ashley would hate if they also got to see her cry, so you walk over to her and lay a hand on her shoulder. Ashley flinches and moves away from your touch.

"The others are coming now," you say and tilt your head to the side. "Are you okay?"

She lets go of her legs and wipes the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hands. "I'm fine," she says and lets her hair fall in front of her face just in time to cover her red eyes and tear stained cheeks from the others as they walk into the conference room and take a seat at the round table – Hotch on one side of her and Emily on the other.

"Morris County, New Jersey is asking for our help. Over the last two months three women have gone missing." You click on the remote once and a picture of a blonde woman appears on the screen. "First victim is Autumn Owens, 32. She left her apartment on a Friday night around 8pm to meet her boyfriend, but never showed up. Four days later her body was found in a small alley." You click on the remote again and a picture from the crime scene appears along with a picture of a smiling woman with light brown hair and another crime scene photo. You notice Ashley looks away from the screen now and you wish you could turn it off. Emily lays a hand on Ashley's knee and Hotch keeps looking her way instead of yours. "Monica Peary, 30, same thing. Went missing on a Friday night and found four days in an alley. Both women had been manual strangled and had bruises around their wrists, but there was no evidence of sexual assault on either of them."

You click on the remote one last time and sit down as Hotch takes over. "And last night 27 year-old Julie McNeil went missing, which means we only have three days to find her alive."

When they start going over the case you don't really listen to what they are saying, you just keep looking at Ashley. It's like she has changed. A moment ago she could not even look at the crime scene photos and before that you found her crying. Now no emotions are shown on her face and she acts likes all of this doesn't affect her anymore and you now know how she passed her psych evaluation. But it scares you how she can just shift like that and how good she is at it.

"Plane leaves in 30 minutes," Hotch tells them and Morgan, Emily and Reid walk out of the conference room. Ashley stays and you wonder how she could know that Hotch wanted to talk to her, but just as Hotch is about to say something Ashley beats him to it. "I'm not coming with you on this case."

"Why not?"

You spend more time than necessary packing your things together, because you want to hear her answer.

"I have an important appointment at the hospital at noon and I really don't want to cancel it. So if it's okay, then I would like to work the case from here with Garcia," she says and looks from Hotch to you.

"That's fine with me." You smile. "We will have a lot of fun together."

Ashley forces a smile and Hotch nods. "Then it's settled. You will work from here, but only half days." Ashley is about to protest, but Hotch holds up hands signaling her to keep quiet. "You will work half days this case or you won't work it at all. Understood?"

"Yes sir."

Hotch leaves and so do you, but before walking out you look back over your shoulder just in time to see Ashley sink down into her chair with tears falling down her cheeks once again. Keeping a brave face is hard and you wonder how long she will be able to do it.


	6. Somewhere Out in Space

Only Human

* * *

><p>Somewhere Out in Space<p>

Ashley sits in the driver's seat of her rental car clenching the steering-wheel. She tries not to cry, but tears are filling her eyes and she almost can't hold them back any longer. She doesn't want to cry. She has already cried too much for one day and she knows that Garcia will be able to see it in her face. Not because her cheeks might be tear-stained or her eyes might be red, no, Garcia is just the type of person who is able to see it. She knows when someone is sad or feeling down and if she finds out Ashley has been crying again, then she will be worried and start asking questions that Ashley doesn't want to answer. But at the same time she doesn't want to make up anymore lies, like where she really was today or why she had been crying earlier.

Two days after the rape, Ashley had gone to the police. They already had her rape kit, but she had refused to tell them her name. She didn't want anyone to know what happened to her. If she was in the system as a rape victim, someone on the team might find out, but then Hotch had showed up at the hospital and keeping her secret wasn't possible anymore. So Ashley walked into the police station and asked for Detectives Amy Willens and Jacob Giffen. Detective Willens had showed Ashley into a small room by herself and Ashley had been grateful that she was able to talk to the female detective alone, even though she knew that Detective Giffen was standing on the other side of the one way window listening to every word she said.

An hour later Ashley had told Detective Willens everything she remembered, answered all of the questions as good as she could and gave the detectives the keys to her car, which was still parked in the same spot it had been two days earlier. Ashley never wanted to go anywhere near that car ever again.

Then last night Ashley had gotten a call from Detective Giffen – they had caught her rapist. She hadn't expected it would happen that quickly, but they had been able to find DNA from the man under her fingernails and had found a match in the DNA database. So Ashley had had to go over everything again with the detectives and talk with the DA, Riley Madison, about her testimony. It had taken every fiber in her body not to break down right there in the DA's office. Talking about what had happened to her hurt so much, but she knows just how to act so no one will notice anything.

Ashley takes a few deep breaths and then steps out of the car. "I can do this, I can do this," she keeps telling herself as she stands in the elevator and waits for it to come to a stop. When the doors open she puts on a fake smile and walks into the bullpen like nothings is wrong. Ashley knows that she wouldn't have been able to pull off her fake happiness if her team members had been there, but smiling at the other people there that don't really know her is quite easy.

Ashley sits by her desk for an hour looking over some of the things she has missed over the two weeks she had been gone. Hotch had told her to take one week of, but that hadn't been enough and he had happily given her another week. She knows that he hoped she would take even more time off, but Ashley couldn't stand being in her small apartment any longer. She needed to get back to reality, needed to see that the world hadn't ended even though that was how she felt.

Ashley puts the case file she had been reading in her top desk drawer and then makes her way to Garcia's small and overfilled office. She knocks on the door and slowly walks in. "Hello my pretty princess," Garcia says with a big smile as she turns in her chair to look at Ashley.

"Hi Penelope," she says and gives her a small, but sincere, smile back. Garcia's good and happy mood had a positive effect on her. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Well I'm gathering background information on the victims and their families."

Ashley pulls the other desk chair and just as she sits down next to Garcia the office phone starts to ring. "Hello you're speaking with the always amazing Penelope Garcia and the lovely Ashley Seaver, what can we do for you?"

"How is the background information coming along?" Hotch asks.

"I'm almost done with all three victims and their families," Garcia tells him as her fingers flies over her keyboard.

"Good, fax it over here when you're done and Seaver..."

"Yes Sir?"

"I would like for you to go over everything Garcia finds out about the victims and try to find similarities between them. I will get Reid on it too."

"Okay, I will get right on it."

"Good, I will call back later," Hotch says and then hangs up.

Garcia pushes Ashley's chair to the side and then rolls her own with it. "You can sit by this computer and work instead of sitting all alone by your desk." Garcia turns on the computer and a couple of minutes later all the information she has gathered about the victims is on the screen. Ashley wonders if Garcia has does the same with her, pulled up her case file and read the details about what happened to her. She tries to shake the thought out of her head and smile. "Great, thanks."

Garcia smiles and pats Ashley on her back before she rolls back to her own computer screens and once again lets her fingers fly over the keyboard.

When Garcia pats Ashley on her back she does everything she can not to move away from the hand. She doesn't want Garcia to touch her. She also doesn't want to make her sad or worried so she will call Hotch. Ashley knows that is the reason why Garcia wanted her to work in her office and not in the bullpen. 'Hotch has asked her to keep an eye on me, that's the only reason I'm sitting here, because Garcia doesn't really want me here. She doesn't want me near her, no one does. I'm dirty and wrong!' Ashley shakes her head and sighs. 'I need to stop thinking like this. It has to stop.' But that is easier said than done, because the moment Garcia moves a bit away from Ashley the thoughts are back in her head again.

Ashley reads one file after another and two hours later Hotch calls to hear what she has found out. She tells the team what she thinks and Reid jumps in with things every ones in a while. Everything goes well till Ashley looks at one of Garcia's screens that at the moment holds the crime scene photo of Autumn Owens. Ashley stops talking and just looks at the picture.

"Seaver?" Hotch asks over the speaker, but his voice doesn't reach her. She can't move, she can't think, she just keeps staring at the picture.

"Ashley?" Garcia asks worried. "Sweetie what's wrong?"

"That could have been me," Ashley says just above a whisper and then she starts breathing faster and faster. She leans forward over the table and gasps for air. It doesn't reach her lungs properly and her chest starts to hurt.

"Garcia, what is going on?" Morgan almost yells at her and she can hear the fear in his voice.

"Ashley, she... she can't breathe," Garcia tells him as she tries not to sound too panicked. "I don't know that to do."

"What happened right before this started?" Rossi asks.

"She looked at the crime screen photo of Autumn Owens." Garcia looks at Ashley. "If she doesn't start breathing normally soon, then I think she will pass out."

"Garcia, listen to me," Emily says firmly, but Garcia can hear the worry. "Ashley is having a panic attack. It might freak her out, but you need to move her arms over her head. It should help with her breathing and then you need to do something to calm her down."

"Okay..." Garcia lays her hands on Ashley's arms and moves them slowly off the table and over her head. Ashley sits completely still with her head bent down and wheezing. "Ashley, you have to calm down. Try taking deep breaths."

Ashley tries to breathe in, but it hurts so much that she would have collapsed over the table if Garcia hadn't been holding her arms up. "I... I can't," she stutters and gasps once again.

"Yes you can. Sweetie look at me," Garcia says and Ashley slowly rises her head. Garcia looks right into her eyes and can see the fear she is feeling. "Everything is going to be okay. I'm here, we are here for you. You don't have to be afraid."

Ashley's breathing is slowing down and the tight feeling her in her chest slowly disappears. When she finally can breathe normally again she lets the tears fall that she has been holding back for so long. Garcia wraps her arms around Ashley as she cries. But it's not like the way she cried this morning, it's not just a few tears that is rolling down her cheeks. No, Ashley is crying so hard her whole body is shaking. She holds tight on to Garcia as she lets everything out. "That could have been me," she sobs, "that could have been me."

* * *

><p><em>AN - The 2011 Profiler's Choice CM Awards nomination ballot is now up. So everyone, please go nominate all your favorite stories and writers. http : / .net / topic /74868 / 48350094 / 1 / _


	7. Derek Morgan

Only Human

* * *

><p>Derek Morgan<p>

You sit in the court room in the second row with Hotch on your left side, JJ on your right and in the row in front of you sits Detectives Amy Willens and Jacob Giffen. You know Ashley doesn't really want you and the others to be here, to hear the details about what happened to her, and if you have to be honest you don't really want to hear them, but you are a family and in a family you support each other no matter what.

Ashley sits in the witness chair, looking down in her lap, where her hands lay folded, instead of looking at the DA, who is stranding right in front of her. Riley Madison has her dark red hair pulled back into a neat bum and is wearing a light gray skirt suit with a white shirt. You have to admit she is good looking and at the moment her appearance stands in big contrast to Ashley, who is in very overly sweet clothes. It seems almost wrong to you, seeing your colleague wearing light blue jeans, a pink blouse and with her hair in a high ponytail. You had just gotten used to the loose hanging hair, dark jeans and the navy hoodie. Ashley had wanted to wear the hoodie, but the DA had told her to take it off so the jury would be able to get a better look at her bruises, so now the hoodie lay neatly folded in Emily's lap.

"Miss Seaver, can you tell me what happened the night of your rape?" Riley asks, walking closer to the witness chair.

Ashley looks up at her with an emotionless expression on her face. You know that expression. It means that she has gone into herself, locked her feels up inside of her, so no one can see how scared she is or how fragile she feels. "I was on my way home from work. Well I was home, but there weren't any free parking spots in front of my building, so I had to drive a block away to find one," Ashley tells as she fiddles with the edge of her right sleeve. "I parked my car, got out and went to get my bag from the backseat when someone pushed me through the door and down on the seat. I tried to scream and fight him, but he caught my arms around the wrists with one hand and held them over my head while he covered my mouth with the other. He only held me like that for a moment, I guess he figured out he couldn't remove my clothes if he didn't have a hand free, so he let go of my hands and mouth and instead folded his fingers around my neck."

You watch as Ashley talks and notice how her emotionless facade is about to break. Her face seems less hard and she is moving uncomfortable in the chair. "I scratched the side of his face and hit him all I could before everything started going black and I could no longer move. He kept his left hand around my throat while he slid his other hand up under my skirt. I don't usually wear skirts, because they aren't very practical at work, I can't really move or run in them, but I had a meeting with my boss and she's kind of old-fashioned, always wears skirt herself, so I decided to do so too. I... I hoped..." Tears starts rolling down her cheeks and Ashley stops her rambling as she slowly moves her right hand to rest on her throat.

"Ashley?" Riley asks, looking concern at her, just like you and the others are. You want to go up there and comfort her like you have done with Desiree and even Sarah so many times before when you were children.

Judge Brenneman leans over the edge of his chair. "Miss Seaver, do you need a minute?"

Ashley wipes the tears of her cheek and sits up a little straighter. "No I'm fine," she says shaking her head and then she takes a deep breath and continues. "His knees were pressing hard against my tights, but as he moved his hand up under my skirt he press one knee in between my legs and ripped my panties off. I heard him unbuckle his belt and felt him move around over me. His grip on my throat loosened and I was just about to scream when it felt like my entire body got ripped apart. As he rapes me his grip on my throat tightened again and this time so much that I almost blacked out." Ashley sniffles and you can see on her face how much she's fighting not to start crying again. "When he was done with me he let go of my neck and sat up to close his pants and somehow I got my left leg free from under him. I kicked him so hard in the stomach that he fell out off the car and down on his back on the road. I got my bag of the floor and then I just started running."

"And what happened after that?" Riley asks.

"I woke up in a hospital bed. How I got there I don't know."

"Thank you" Riley says with a smile and then she looks at the judge. "No further questions." She sits back down behind her desk and sends Mike Langan's attorney, Alex Trevor, a smirk.

Brenneman nods his head. "We're in recess. Court will resume in ten minutes." He banged his gavel and Ashley quickly get's up from the witness stand, walking right past you and out the doors of the court room. The seven of you follow after her and as you walk out you wrap a protective arm around Garcia. She lays her head on your shoulder. "I can't wait for all of this to be over," she mumbles. "But what if..."

"That evidence against him is strong," you reassure her, but you know that there is still a chance that he might go free, you just don't want to think about that."

When you walk out the doors of the court room you see Ashley sitting on the bench to the right. JJ sits down next to her and lays a hand on her knee. JJ had been the most welcoming to Ashley when she became a part of the team. It might be because she had never seen Ashley has her replacement, as you kind of had in the beginning.

"I thought I told you not to come," Ashley says, getting up from the bench. "How did you even know it was today?"

Emily looks guiltily down at the hoodie she is holding in her arms. "They asked and we thought you could use the support." She hands Ashley the hoodie and she puts it on quickly. You can see relief wash over her face and you know that she now feels much safer. You wish you and the others could make her feel just as safe as that piece of fabric.

"Are you mad at us for coming?" Reid asks worried, but Ashley shakes her head.  
>"No, it was really nice of you to come."<p>

"We couldn't let you be all alone in there," Garcia says with a smile.

"I wasn't alone. Detectives Willens and Giffen were there."

"They aren't your family," Dave says and Ashley lets a small smile crawl over lips.

For a moment the atmosphere seems much lighter and it's like you all are able to breathe. "You did really good in there," you say, wrapping your arms around Ashley in a light hug and just like that everything changes.

"Don't touch me!" she screams and pushes you away from her violently. Her reaction to your hug surprises you as much as herself and for a moment she looks confused around each of you. No one knows what to do and when Emily takes a step closer to her Ashley turns around and runs in the direction of the bathrooms.


	8. From all this thinking

Only Human

* * *

><p>From all this thinking<p>

Ashley storms through the doors of the women's bathroom. She checks all the stalls, but no one else is in there. She kicks the trash can and sends crumpled paper towels flying around the room. She continues to kick the trash can, but when it slides too far away from her feet she turns and hits the wall with open hands. She hits it over and over till her arms starts hurting and she sinks to the floor. She wants to scream and cry, but what is the point? It won't change the fact that she was raped and now can't even have her friends hug her without freaking out.

She was raped and nothing will ever change that.

Rape is – according to the dictionary – the crime of forcing another person to submit to sex acts, especially sexual intercourse. That is something everyone knows, but what people don't know is that the rape itself isn't the worse part. It's everything that comes after. It's all the fear and all the pain that she feels. But most of all it's the shame. Ashley knows that she has nothing to be ashamed of. She knows that this wasn't her fault. She didn't make him do it, but it doesn't change the way that she feels.

Ashley picks herself up from the floor and walks into the stall in corner. She locks the door even though she is the only one in the bathroom and then sits down on the closed toilet lid. She wants to stay in that stall forever or at least till all of this is over. Ashley hates having to tell what happened to her and she actually hates even more that her friends came to support her. She had told them not to. She didn't want them to know in details what happened that night. But now they do and how will they ever be able to look at her again without seen what happened? But maybe that's only how it is for her. Maybe that only happens when Ashley looks at herself in the mirror.

It's not till tears are dripping from her chin down to her folded hands that lies in her lap that Ashley realize that she is crying. She unfolds her hands and brings them to her face, slowly wiping the tears from her cheeks, but they are replaced by new ones to quickly. Ashley sighs, breathing in deeply, but when she lets the air back out a loud sob escapes her mouth and then there's no turning back.

Ashley cries. She cries loudly and every sob shakes her body violently. She cries so much she can't even breathe. It makes her chest hurt and her eyes starts to burn. Ashley wants to stop the crying, because she knows the 10 minutes will be up soon and then she will have to go back into the court room. Also, someone might come looking for her any minute now and she don't want whoever it is to know she's crying.

She sits up straight and wipes the tears of her cheeks with both hands and breaths in deeply. But the tears won't stop, so Ashley angrily slams her right fist against the stall door. She has to bit down on her tongue so that she won't scream out in pain. For a moment she is afraid she might have broken something, because the pain is so intense, but then it slowly starts to fade away.

"Ashley? Are you okay in there?"

She freezes; shocked by the voice she hadn't expected to hear. When did Emily come in? Ashley hadn't heard the bathroom door open or close. Was that because Emily had come in the moment she had hit the stall? Or was it just because Ashley had focused so much on the pain in her hand? "I'm fine," she says, a little annoyed at herself for sounding so weak.

"I was told to come and get you, they are starting up again in a few minutes," Emily tells her and Ashley can hear that she is walking closer to the stall. She lets the sleeve fall over her right hand and then unlocks the door and walks out. When Emily sees her, her face softens. "Oh sweetie."

Ashley looks at herself in the mirror across the room and sees that her nose and eyes are red. She looks like someone who has been crying for a long time. She sighs; so much for keeping the crying a secret.

"Can I hug you?" Emily asks and Ashley nodes her head slowly. She thinks that if she says anything then she might start crying again. But the moment Emily wraps her arms around Ashley the tears still starts to fall and right now she isn't embarrassed by them. It feels naturally to stand here crying while being comforted. Like when she was little and had gotten hurt. Back when she still trusted her family.

But sadly the moment doesn't last long and then Ashley is back to feeling ashamed and embarrassed. "Sorry," she says and pulls herself out of Emily's embrace. "Do you have some make-up I can borrow?" She looks at the floor, avoiding Emily's searching eyes.

Emily sighs and reaches down in her bag. "Here." She hands Ashley an eyeliner and mascara. Ashley takes them and walks over to the sinks. In the mirror above them she can see Emily looking at her. She smiles, but her eyes are sad. Ashley is afraid that it's her fault. That every bad thing that has ever happened in her life, because she wasn't careful enough or strong.

"Don't think that," Emily says.

Her words startle Ashley. She most have zoned out for a moment. She graters herself and reaches out for a paper towel. "What does it matter?" She wets the paper and washes the make-up of her eyes and cheeks.

Emily walks and stands beside her, their eyes meet in the mirror again. "If you really think this is your fault then don't go out there. Stay in here and let that man get away with what he did to you. Because if you really believe that what happened to you was your fault, then why go through this hell of court and testifying if all of this is your fault anyway?"

Ashley looks away and lets the wet paper towel fall down in the sink. She sighs. She doesn't know what she should do or think, but she knows that Emily is right. She looks to the left at Emily and hands her the make-up back. "I don't think I need this anymore." Emily looks chocked at her and Ashley knows what Emily must be thinking. But Ashley isn't giving up, not now. "I think they should know what all of this is doing to me, so I'm not going to hide behind the make-up or the sweet pink blouse." Ashley breathes in deeply. "I will go in there like this, so they can see how truly broken I am."

Emily gives her a small smile, while she puts the make-up in her bag again and then she wraps her arm around Ashley shoulder. "You may think you're broken now, but we will help you gather the pieces and put you back together," Emily tells her as they slowly walks out of the bathroom.

Ashley nods. "I would like that," she says, but when she sees the others talking, smiling and laughing, she thinks she might not just be broke, but that she instead is shattered, because broken means that there is hope to be fixed. That you may not be entirely the same, but there is a chance to be fixed and Ashley doesn't feel like that. She feels more shattered, that there is no hope for her to ever be fixed. That she is gone, smashed into too many pieces, but she won't tell Emily that or any of the others. Right now she needs to get this over with, so that she might sleep a little easier at night.

"You can do this," Emily whispers, and Ashley knows that she isn't just talking about the testimony. She breathes is deeply. "I can do this." She sounds convincing, but she doesn't believe it.


End file.
